Andrew M. Barnes

Thought I’d bring back a classic.

In case you missed it, the opening song at Elevation this week was With or Without You by U2, probably one of my favorite songs to date.  The bassline really carries this song.  Here are the lyrics, with a concert version following.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

It’s either late in the evening or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it.  Doesn’t change that it is 1:30am. 

It’s perspective, and we all have it.  Our experiences and our lifestyles dictate our varying perspectives.  A challenge I offer myself is to constantly evaluate all competing perspectives.  Different angles and perspectives give an insight into things you would have never imagined.   That would be what most would call ‘maturing’.  Tonight I had a flashback, a random flashback.  It led me to do an internet search for something I had done years ago. 

8 years ago I wrote a poem.  At the time I did alot more writing than I do now.  I kinda wish I’d get back into.  There was this one poem that even at the time stuck out, I revised it maybe 3x at the most, and to be honest I could revise a few grammatical errors at this point.  I’m pretty sure I remember who I was thinking about at the time….she’s now married. 

Reading this poem for the first time in 8 years, I couldn’t help but see myself from a different perspective.  The challenge as humans sometimes is to figure out if we are headed in the right direction in life or simply if we’ve matured.  I can’t help but look back at how I was when I wrote that poem.  How was I emotionally? or spiritually?  Over 8 years my perspective of myself has changed.  I now know myself better, I realize how far God has taken me even when I didn’t/don’t realize it.  Here it is (with a few edits), a very deep insight, circa 2000…

That Package
She likes a challenge, is that why she likes me?
It’s a matter of what I want
Do I care or do I want more?
Does that make a difference at all?
She will proceed without caution
Understanding its only me and time will tell
Will I change? Or is it a waste of time?
Do I need what she offers?
It seems too much to handle, but I care
For she might understand me
Does her face light up for me?
Is pity in her eyes?
Should it matter for my sake?
Is there more, am I a package of guilt in her mind?
Do I hold that package?
She seems outgoing, but I’m not
I want a friend, is she even a friend?
Is what I believe of myself what she believes a challenge?

Heres the link

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” ~ Mark Twain

That quote alone encompasses where that poem came from.  I know myself better only because I remember a now competing perspective of who I am.

I don’t generally like to talk on the phone.  Most of the time I like to keep it short and to the point.  1 out of 10 calls is for longer periods of time….if even that.  It is safe to say I am not a social butterfly.

Sometimes when a conversation goes longer than what I was shooting for I start to space out.  I might say some interesting things to prove I’m listening.  My brain kinda works like Google, when you type in some keywords you get a variety of information, pictures, etc.  Here’s an example of a hypothetical phone call that I’ve intended to last mabye 30 seconds to a minute.

Some Dude: Hello.
Me: Hey man, what’s going on?
Some Dude: Not much, what are you doin’?
Me: Well, just wanted to see if you’d be interested in grabbing lunch today.
Some Dude: Yeah, possibly.  What were you thinkin’?
Me: I dunno, I’ll eat just about anything that isn’t moving, wait I take that back.
Some Dude: (fake laugh) I hear that!
Me: Yea, no seriously it doesn’t matter to me, I’m up for anything.
Some Dude: Let me think about my schedule.
—In case you missed it this where things get bad—
Me: Yea, sure.
Some Dude: Uhhh, dchoochoo-tsitsitsi cheche ummmmm.  I prooooobably have somewhere around an hour or so free so uhhhh um
Me: yea
Some Dude: I think if we wanna beat traffic…iojjivhoarihlaksdjfiohvlakeajfaoiwefjaovnaeoh…stupid 485…joiaiuhufhovjdfjosifhvuaralfjoidjoivjvasi.
—pause—
Me: Yea that thing is taking forever.
Some Dude: rant, rant, rant-rant-rant-rant, rant rant, and rant some more…the goverment…rant rant….they don’t care….rant rant.
Me: Thats how I feel about it>
Some Dude: I just pisses me off to no end, rant rant rant, and then this election coming up, rant rant rant, did you see that ad on tv?
Me: I dont even care anymore, I’m votin for myself.
Some Dude: Dude, I’d vote for you (real laugh).  Thatd be cool though.
Me: Yea maybe one day.
Some Dude: It’ just the way…ramble ramble ramble…blah blarambletido blah blah…ramble
—100% space out achieved—
—pause—
Me: Yea (sigh)
—pause—
Me: Um so just call me later when you figure it out.
Some Dude: Yea, I’m thinkin like Chilis at noon.
Me: Cool.

It seems short because I appreviated certain parts.  In real life this conversation would have lasted around 2 hours. 

All that to say that this week Alli went out of town, and when I say out of town I mean this place.  We normally don’t talk long.  If we ever talk for an hour its not because we’re telling jokes.  We bought a 120 minute phone card and once you incorporate the international rates, we had whopping (sp?) 30mins to talk.  After two nights folks we have successfully burned through that card.  Keep in mind our goal was talk for no longer than 5 minutes a day.  I’m pretty much a failure at life. (<— click them all)

I’ll be blogging more about my failures in the near present.